Have you ever had a dream that started out great and then slowly turned into total despair, so much so that it woke you up?
That was my dream last night.
I am usually not the type of person to analyze my dreams or think about them too much. Your subconscious can be a crazy thing and I don't think Fraud had any clue when he thought he could analyze dreams... However, that being said, last night's dream really made me think.
Like all dreams, this is going to sound completely weird and strange. My memory of the dream is fairly vivid (which is unusual) but there are some spotty details.
The Dream:
From the beginning of what I can remember, I am driving around in this yellow Ferrari or something. I am driving somewhere in a quickness, like I have to rush to get there. This part of the dream gets weird because it seems like I hit all sorts of obstacles on my way to trying to get to where ever I was going, wrong turns, etc.
The obstacles were not that bothersome because I seemed to be so excited to get to where I was going. I still didn't know where that was at the time. I was extremely happy at this point in the dream. I was driving fast, in a fancy car... I was the man.
Eventually I pull up to this little house, cute homey looking place but really small. Small front yard, steps up to the house, one story house. I go in...
The dream gets really vague here so I will just lay out the scenario instead of a play by play.
At this point there are two women and a little girl in the house. One of the women in the room was my wife, so I thought, and the little girl was apparently my daughter. At this point in the dream, I honestly felt like I have never loved something as much as I loved this woman. It was so vivid I can't even describe it.
(Let me describe her real quick: this woman was petite, about my height, blond, with shoulder length hair that kind of curls up at the end or does a little whip thing. She obviously ran the household. Was a spunky little thing that knew how to run things. She was beautiful. I mean like incredibly beautiful. Not in the supermodel kind of way, but in the I love this woman more than anything kind of beautiful.)
Ok, moving on.
So, I am in this house with these two women and this little girl. I am playing around with the little girl like I haven't seen her in ages. The other woman, not my apparent wife, is obviously weary of me. I don't know why at this point but I was ignoring it. I was in total bliss anyhow at this point. I honestly don't think I have ever been as happy as I felt at this point in the dream. I remember playing with the girl and looking up at my wife and having this sensation that I can't put into words. It was amazing.
This is where it all falls apart.
Randomly, and I mean this is really random, the guy from the movie A-Team comes in (Bradley Cooper). I am like WTF. Come to find out, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and obviously had deep feelings for, was HIS wife! I was just the ex! The little girl was mine but apparently I never see her.
The dream goes on and gets spottier from this point on but the woman I was in love with tells me I wasn't there enough, etc etc. and she had to move on. I now realized why the other woman in the room was weary of me. Apparently, I had shown up out of no where.
I come to realize I had lost my 'dream girl' (ironic use of words) and on top of that I realize that I was a shitty father.
I leave the house in utter despair, like there was no where to go. I remember looking at the car, thinking how stupid it was, and wondered where would I go?
Then I woke up.
When I woke up, my chest hurt! I was that moved by this totally random dream.
I woke up around 7am and sat there for hours thinking about this dream. It was quite possibly the most vivid dream I have had in a really long time! I did not know what it meant or what I should take from it.
Was this my subconscious trying to tell me something, or was this just random thoughts floating around that mean absolutely nothing?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Pacific
I am watching the new HBO miniseries, Pacific. It is the sequel to Band of Brothers and depicts the Pacific front of World War 2. Graphic would be an understatement. Tom Hanks really knows how to get you right in the action.
Maybe I live in a different time, different world, but I can not imagine how those men brought themselves to handle the things that are shown in this series. To be able to not only volunteer to go to war, but to be brave enough to fight like they did is unbelievable.
I have never been a fighter. I get nauseous just thinking about a confrontation or causing someone else pain. I can not imagine having the strength to handle being in the situation those men were.
Granted, I don't think anyone really knows their true capabilities until a challenge is put in front of them. Something like a war would challenge everything about you. How would I react? Would I triumph over my fears or be swallowed by them?
The crazy thing that bothers me most is the majority of the men were only 18! I am almost 30 and still feel like an infant in comparison...
Maybe I live in a different time, different world, but I can not imagine how those men brought themselves to handle the things that are shown in this series. To be able to not only volunteer to go to war, but to be brave enough to fight like they did is unbelievable.
I have never been a fighter. I get nauseous just thinking about a confrontation or causing someone else pain. I can not imagine having the strength to handle being in the situation those men were.
Granted, I don't think anyone really knows their true capabilities until a challenge is put in front of them. Something like a war would challenge everything about you. How would I react? Would I triumph over my fears or be swallowed by them?
The crazy thing that bothers me most is the majority of the men were only 18! I am almost 30 and still feel like an infant in comparison...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Time Wealth
This weekend I went to Hilton Head Island to visit an old friend. In conversation he mentioned a book he had read recently that talked about the difference between money wealth and 'time wealth'. It was interesting...
Time wealth is a theory that points out the value in owning your own time in life.
A time wealthy person is someone that has the time to do with it what he/she wants. For instance, a business owner who can operate efficiently anywhere through phone/internet might be very time wealthy because they can do their work from anywhere and in some cases at any time. A time poor person might be someone that owns a business where they absolutely have to be at their business in order to make money; i.e. a dentist who has to be at his/her office seeing patients day after day in order to make money. They are dependent upon that restriction in order to make money.
I always knew working for myself had the benefit of answering to no one and doing what I want, when I wanted, but I never looked at it quite like this.
As much grief as I give myself over my business, it really does give me a lot of time wealth. I should be thankful for that.
How do I become even more time wealthy? An interesting thought is considering how money wealth has no concrete ceiling but time wealth does. You only have so much time in a day, a week, a month, etc. You must make the most of the time wealth you have because you are only capable of generating a finite amount.
What should I do with my time?
Possibly, if I could shift the operational time commitments to my current business to more evening hours, I could open up more time wealth in order to do something more positive during the day.
Time wealth is a theory that points out the value in owning your own time in life.
A time wealthy person is someone that has the time to do with it what he/she wants. For instance, a business owner who can operate efficiently anywhere through phone/internet might be very time wealthy because they can do their work from anywhere and in some cases at any time. A time poor person might be someone that owns a business where they absolutely have to be at their business in order to make money; i.e. a dentist who has to be at his/her office seeing patients day after day in order to make money. They are dependent upon that restriction in order to make money.
I always knew working for myself had the benefit of answering to no one and doing what I want, when I wanted, but I never looked at it quite like this.
As much grief as I give myself over my business, it really does give me a lot of time wealth. I should be thankful for that.
How do I become even more time wealthy? An interesting thought is considering how money wealth has no concrete ceiling but time wealth does. You only have so much time in a day, a week, a month, etc. You must make the most of the time wealth you have because you are only capable of generating a finite amount.
What should I do with my time?
Possibly, if I could shift the operational time commitments to my current business to more evening hours, I could open up more time wealth in order to do something more positive during the day.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Life Filter
I have been thinking a lot lately about my job. It is no secret that Carolina Nightlife has been a huge success. However, where does that take me in the long run? Where will I end up, in say, 10 more years? I am no spring chicken anymore. I am closer to 30 than 20 and starting to feel like a change is needed, a big one.
After three decades of life, I am no closer to the next phase of life than I was in college. Sadly, I feel like I am farther away. The harder I work to grow CNL the more I alienate myself from the other things in life; church, family, friends, settling down, etc.
I feel like my life is full of toxic influences that I need to manage first. CNL is not the prime culprit of these influences but it introduces me to them. I need to apply a life filter to my job. Something that I create within myself to keep these influences from interfering with my life. Some people might simply call these morals or ethics. I need to strengthen mine whatever they are.
After three decades of life, I am no closer to the next phase of life than I was in college. Sadly, I feel like I am farther away. The harder I work to grow CNL the more I alienate myself from the other things in life; church, family, friends, settling down, etc.
I feel like my life is full of toxic influences that I need to manage first. CNL is not the prime culprit of these influences but it introduces me to them. I need to apply a life filter to my job. Something that I create within myself to keep these influences from interfering with my life. Some people might simply call these morals or ethics. I need to strengthen mine whatever they are.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thoughts about Haiti
I have to admit, I was a day late on learning the news about Haiti. I was off the grid. I was not watching TV or surfing the web. Even Twitter failed to update me.
Once I heard, I wanted to learn the specifics. I was moved by what I had learned.
In times like these, rare and dark as they may be, I feel proud to be an American.
At first, I couldn’t help feeling powerless to help. The disaster had isolated Haiti from the world and those who would want to help. I donated money, but really, how much help did I feel like I was giving? Not much. By the time my donation is even processed, the people that need to be saved, the ones trapped and dying, will be lost. Helpful as a donation may be in time, I wish I could be there, really helping.
Oddly, amidst the CNN coverage I was glued to, I found myself thinking about my life and my mundane issues. How trivial did they all seem in the face of the tragedy the people of Haiti were dealing with? I spend my days working to cover the next mortgage payment, putting gas in the car, pay the phone bill, and try to enjoy my time left over. What if it was all taken from me in an instant? How would I handle the new reality I found myself in? ...?
I thought about whether I would be the person pushing and fighting for scrapes, or, would I be a chaplain of hope, helping anyone I could first and myself second?
I have had the blessing of never been put in a situation to find out. However, in a way, I envy those who have had their true self tested. Would I pass the test? Would the person I only hope I could be in a tragedy like this prevail?
Once I heard, I wanted to learn the specifics. I was moved by what I had learned.
In times like these, rare and dark as they may be, I feel proud to be an American.
At first, I couldn’t help feeling powerless to help. The disaster had isolated Haiti from the world and those who would want to help. I donated money, but really, how much help did I feel like I was giving? Not much. By the time my donation is even processed, the people that need to be saved, the ones trapped and dying, will be lost. Helpful as a donation may be in time, I wish I could be there, really helping.
Oddly, amidst the CNN coverage I was glued to, I found myself thinking about my life and my mundane issues. How trivial did they all seem in the face of the tragedy the people of Haiti were dealing with? I spend my days working to cover the next mortgage payment, putting gas in the car, pay the phone bill, and try to enjoy my time left over. What if it was all taken from me in an instant? How would I handle the new reality I found myself in? ...?
I thought about whether I would be the person pushing and fighting for scrapes, or, would I be a chaplain of hope, helping anyone I could first and myself second?
I have had the blessing of never been put in a situation to find out. However, in a way, I envy those who have had their true self tested. Would I pass the test? Would the person I only hope I could be in a tragedy like this prevail?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
New Year's Resolution
I say this every year. I am sure everyone says this every year...
I am going to stick to my resolutions this year!
Usually, I set my resolutions a bit too lofty. I can never stick with them. Like an old Post-It note, they lose their stickiness, fall off, and soon forgotten. This year I want to stick to things that I can accomplish. Goals I know I have within me to reach. They are normal things; go to church more, work out more, save more and spend less.
Resolutions, come to find out, are a very old tradition. Apparently, like 153 B.C. old. I found the history of making New Year's Resolutions kind of interesting. You can read what I read, here.
So, in the spirit of Janus, the mythical king of beginnings and the guardian of doors and entrances to the future, I will post my New Year's 2010 Resolutions here.
These are in no particular order of importance or difficulty to achieve or follow:
1. Church:
I usually go to Church on Sundays already. I enjoy it. I leave feeling better about the coming week. My resolution is more than just going to Church. I want to make a resolution to apply the lessons of Church into my daily life. In the past, I think about Church and living a faith-based life on Sunday, but not so much Monday through Saturday. This year, I would like my faith to play a more leading role in my daily life.
2. Business:
I own my business and have a reputation in the industry I work in to be a fairly decent businessman. In actuality, I do not feel like one. I owe the success of my business to the product I sell. Being such a great concept and product, it sells itself. In the past, I have simply rode the success wave put in motion by the product itself, not my own efforts for the most part. I do play a part, I just believe I can make a stronger impact. My resolution this year is to buckle down and focus on redeveloping my commitment to growing my business. This in itself can be its own blog and probably will be shortly.
3. Money:
I have never been the type of person that can 'pinch a quarter out of a nickle'. I have always wanted to be and looked up to those who can. Maybe I have never been too worried or too pressured to learn how. I am not saying I have always had a silver spoon or things handed to me. That is not the case. I earned everything I have, for the most part. Either way, I want to be more thrifty. That is my resolution. In the past, I have spent thousands of green back on bar tabs a month, bought expensive jeans when regular Wranglers will work, eat out instead of staying in, and an endless list of other examples. This year, before the wallet comes out, I want to ask myself the old saying, 'do I want this or need this?'
4. Health:
I am not a healthy person. I eat McDonalds like it is going out of style. I do not exercise. I have always been a little worried about my health but never concerned enough to make sacrifices to change anything in my life. In the past, I would exercise for a month or two max, then stop. It never took much effort or time, I just quit. I have no clue why. This year my resolution is to eat healthier and exercise more regularly. This is not to mean I am going to transform into a gym rat. I am the stark opposite of that and feel very out of place at any gym. What I mean to say is that I am going to chisel time out of my not-so-busy day to exercise some how, some way each day.
5. Friendships:
I have a few close friends and I know them fairly intimately. Everyone else seem to feel more like acquaintances than friends. There is a huge disparity between the strength of friendship I have with my close friends and everyone else. In the past, I mostly cared for myself first and foremost. Aside from my close friends, I have not made an effort to cultivate these acquaintances to become closer friendships. My resolution is to reach out to these acquaintances and get to know them better so that I can build a closer friendship with them.
6. Women:
I could write thousands of blogs on this problem in my life, books even. I think I know what I want in life; I think I know the type of woman I want in my life. Anyone that knows me would agree that, by now, I should know fairly clearly what I want. In the past, most of the women I met, I found something I liked about them; in short time, I found something I did not like about them as well. My problem has always been that once I find someone I like, I try to sell myself on the idea of that person. Maybe I create a false sense of romance in my mind. Who knows. Whatever it is, I think over the years I have lost some sense of emotional connection with the idea of love. All these failed attempts have made me simply not care and not try. My resolution this year is to refocus and try to understand the qualities in someone that would be a lasting fit for me, someone that could be a teammate in life. If someone does not fit that mold, I will let them know instead of trying to tell them the things they want to hear. I do that too often and I have learned over the years that can be much more hurtful.
7. Drinking:
I would not say I drink too much. I just think I should start the slow motion movement towards quitting completely. The real question I need to ask myself is, can I enjoy myself out and about with friends, and not drink? Will I feel out of place? In high school I used to smoke for a short time. Call it trying to be cool. I have no real reason to explain why I started. One day, I just thought about the negative money and health impacts on my life. That day I quit. Never looked back and never even thought about it since. I believe quitting drinking will be quite a bit more difficult.
8. Productivity:
Banks calls me lazy all the time. Maybe I am, maybe not. I do not feel like I am lazy. I have seen lazy people and that does not seem like me. In Banks' defense, I can be more productive. I could get up earlier. I could get more done. At the end of each day I could feel 'worked'. In the past, I have been a to-do list type of person. My problem is the items on the list might be too broad. My resolution is to itemize responsibilities and budget time more effectively. I am clueless as to how to do that exactly. But, I will blindly try.
9. Charity:
My faith tells me to be charitable. Help those who need help. Give to those who have less and are in need. I donate from time to time but never make it an important piece of my life. I think my time would be a more valuable donation and would make a larger impact in the long run. My resolution this year is to get involved with a charity where, instead of a check, I donate time and compassion for others.
10. Education:
Since finishing college, all I have done is learned the entertainment industry. That is not a total waste but not exactly a life long skill I want to use. I am about as qualified as a sixth graded when it comes to math. I suck at Trivia Pursuit, badly. Instead of 'knowing a little about a lot', I know a little about a little. My resolution is to get back on the education wagon. Maybe I will take a class on creative writing so the unfortunate souls reading this would be better off in the end.
***
I just read my Mother's resolutions. Her's seem a lot more saintly than mine. My Brother has none (not surprised).
At the end of this year I want to look back and say, 'this was a good year'. One can only hope that is what you say at the end of each year.
At a funeral I went to the other day, the preacher referred to life as a blossoming season. Something that comes and goes, but completely natural. It makes you think about your own season of life. Will it be vibrant and full of beautiful colors?
This year I want it to be...
I am going to stick to my resolutions this year!
Usually, I set my resolutions a bit too lofty. I can never stick with them. Like an old Post-It note, they lose their stickiness, fall off, and soon forgotten. This year I want to stick to things that I can accomplish. Goals I know I have within me to reach. They are normal things; go to church more, work out more, save more and spend less.
Resolutions, come to find out, are a very old tradition. Apparently, like 153 B.C. old. I found the history of making New Year's Resolutions kind of interesting. You can read what I read, here.
So, in the spirit of Janus, the mythical king of beginnings and the guardian of doors and entrances to the future, I will post my New Year's 2010 Resolutions here.
These are in no particular order of importance or difficulty to achieve or follow:
1. Church:
I usually go to Church on Sundays already. I enjoy it. I leave feeling better about the coming week. My resolution is more than just going to Church. I want to make a resolution to apply the lessons of Church into my daily life. In the past, I think about Church and living a faith-based life on Sunday, but not so much Monday through Saturday. This year, I would like my faith to play a more leading role in my daily life.
2. Business:
I own my business and have a reputation in the industry I work in to be a fairly decent businessman. In actuality, I do not feel like one. I owe the success of my business to the product I sell. Being such a great concept and product, it sells itself. In the past, I have simply rode the success wave put in motion by the product itself, not my own efforts for the most part. I do play a part, I just believe I can make a stronger impact. My resolution this year is to buckle down and focus on redeveloping my commitment to growing my business. This in itself can be its own blog and probably will be shortly.
3. Money:
I have never been the type of person that can 'pinch a quarter out of a nickle'. I have always wanted to be and looked up to those who can. Maybe I have never been too worried or too pressured to learn how. I am not saying I have always had a silver spoon or things handed to me. That is not the case. I earned everything I have, for the most part. Either way, I want to be more thrifty. That is my resolution. In the past, I have spent thousands of green back on bar tabs a month, bought expensive jeans when regular Wranglers will work, eat out instead of staying in, and an endless list of other examples. This year, before the wallet comes out, I want to ask myself the old saying, 'do I want this or need this?'
4. Health:
I am not a healthy person. I eat McDonalds like it is going out of style. I do not exercise. I have always been a little worried about my health but never concerned enough to make sacrifices to change anything in my life. In the past, I would exercise for a month or two max, then stop. It never took much effort or time, I just quit. I have no clue why. This year my resolution is to eat healthier and exercise more regularly. This is not to mean I am going to transform into a gym rat. I am the stark opposite of that and feel very out of place at any gym. What I mean to say is that I am going to chisel time out of my not-so-busy day to exercise some how, some way each day.
5. Friendships:
I have a few close friends and I know them fairly intimately. Everyone else seem to feel more like acquaintances than friends. There is a huge disparity between the strength of friendship I have with my close friends and everyone else. In the past, I mostly cared for myself first and foremost. Aside from my close friends, I have not made an effort to cultivate these acquaintances to become closer friendships. My resolution is to reach out to these acquaintances and get to know them better so that I can build a closer friendship with them.
6. Women:
I could write thousands of blogs on this problem in my life, books even. I think I know what I want in life; I think I know the type of woman I want in my life. Anyone that knows me would agree that, by now, I should know fairly clearly what I want. In the past, most of the women I met, I found something I liked about them; in short time, I found something I did not like about them as well. My problem has always been that once I find someone I like, I try to sell myself on the idea of that person. Maybe I create a false sense of romance in my mind. Who knows. Whatever it is, I think over the years I have lost some sense of emotional connection with the idea of love. All these failed attempts have made me simply not care and not try. My resolution this year is to refocus and try to understand the qualities in someone that would be a lasting fit for me, someone that could be a teammate in life. If someone does not fit that mold, I will let them know instead of trying to tell them the things they want to hear. I do that too often and I have learned over the years that can be much more hurtful.
7. Drinking:
I would not say I drink too much. I just think I should start the slow motion movement towards quitting completely. The real question I need to ask myself is, can I enjoy myself out and about with friends, and not drink? Will I feel out of place? In high school I used to smoke for a short time. Call it trying to be cool. I have no real reason to explain why I started. One day, I just thought about the negative money and health impacts on my life. That day I quit. Never looked back and never even thought about it since. I believe quitting drinking will be quite a bit more difficult.
8. Productivity:
Banks calls me lazy all the time. Maybe I am, maybe not. I do not feel like I am lazy. I have seen lazy people and that does not seem like me. In Banks' defense, I can be more productive. I could get up earlier. I could get more done. At the end of each day I could feel 'worked'. In the past, I have been a to-do list type of person. My problem is the items on the list might be too broad. My resolution is to itemize responsibilities and budget time more effectively. I am clueless as to how to do that exactly. But, I will blindly try.
9. Charity:
My faith tells me to be charitable. Help those who need help. Give to those who have less and are in need. I donate from time to time but never make it an important piece of my life. I think my time would be a more valuable donation and would make a larger impact in the long run. My resolution this year is to get involved with a charity where, instead of a check, I donate time and compassion for others.
10. Education:
Since finishing college, all I have done is learned the entertainment industry. That is not a total waste but not exactly a life long skill I want to use. I am about as qualified as a sixth graded when it comes to math. I suck at Trivia Pursuit, badly. Instead of 'knowing a little about a lot', I know a little about a little. My resolution is to get back on the education wagon. Maybe I will take a class on creative writing so the unfortunate souls reading this would be better off in the end.
***
I just read my Mother's resolutions. Her's seem a lot more saintly than mine. My Brother has none (not surprised).
At the end of this year I want to look back and say, 'this was a good year'. One can only hope that is what you say at the end of each year.
At a funeral I went to the other day, the preacher referred to life as a blossoming season. Something that comes and goes, but completely natural. It makes you think about your own season of life. Will it be vibrant and full of beautiful colors?
This year I want it to be...
Friday, January 8, 2010
Welcome to the Blog
I find myself randomly thinking about things that usually have little to do with anything important. What a waste of time, right? Most of the time my mind falls on things that I can not post on my company website, CarolinaNightlife.com. So, I figured I would start a personal Blog to share the random thoughts of Hunter Wilson.
Trust me, this blog site will not be the home of anything overly insightful or witty. It's merely just an organization of thoughts. All crammed into one concise page.
I am not sure how frequently I will contribute to this blog, nor how much I will even tell my friends and family about it. I think it is more of a place for me to vent, practice some writing, and maybe, in time, share my thoughts.
Everyone thinks they have something great to share. I think they are right. Somewhere, out there, is someone just like me who will appreciate my random thoughts. Same peculiar ways about them, same crazy life they live, same thoughts as me. Maybe this is a way to connect.
Trust me, this blog site will not be the home of anything overly insightful or witty. It's merely just an organization of thoughts. All crammed into one concise page.
I am not sure how frequently I will contribute to this blog, nor how much I will even tell my friends and family about it. I think it is more of a place for me to vent, practice some writing, and maybe, in time, share my thoughts.
Everyone thinks they have something great to share. I think they are right. Somewhere, out there, is someone just like me who will appreciate my random thoughts. Same peculiar ways about them, same crazy life they live, same thoughts as me. Maybe this is a way to connect.
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